Got Luck?

so i was talking with my coworkers the other day...about luck and shit, you know?
like how you are either born with it or not, and how there is a stock of 'lucks'--- as in, you use too much all at once, you run out of it, and how you don't really get to choose when to use your luck, because that by itself is your luck.

yikes.

so anyway, it's bounenkai (end of the year drinking) season, and my stupid department is going to assign seats to everyone via lotto style. so yea, i guess we'll be pullin out numbers instead of sitting next to the person you want to have fun with. (what kind of shit is that?!)

then i told my coworker:
dude, i really suck at these raffle type, lotto type stuff. it's like i have no luck and i always end up getting the worst choice or losing.

my coworker:
yea but thats okay because you want to save your luck for other things, you know? like something better.

-----

and then, i started thinking.
about the time i was in 1st grade.
and how my school had this holiday happening event. this one classroom was set up so that it was this huge musical chairs room. and each chair had a number behind it.

every time the music stopped, we'd rush to sit in one of the seats.
then, mrs. fukudome (the don of the classroom) would draw out a number, and call it.
we'd look at our seat number, and hey, if it was the same number, we won an orange.

AND.

i won like fucking 5 times in a row, and on my 6th win, it got so awkward, to win again, i changed seats secretly.


i think,
like i seriously think.

all my luck was used up on those 5 oranges i won when i was in 1st grade.



the end!


happy holidays!

F U TOO.

so here is my problem. (of the many i have, of course.)

i'm a complete sucker for people, really.
like those happy go-friendly dogs at auntie's house. the type that licks your hand and sits on your lap. until you do ONE bad thing (like stepping on their paw, running over their tail, blaming your fart on the dog, etc.) and all hell breaks lose. the thought-to-be nice pup completely hates you and the next time you visit your aunt, you already know "momo-chan" ain't going to be showing its K-9s and it sure as hell won't be smiling either, holmes.

ummmm.

so yea, one offense from a person and i'm a complete stranger. this doesn't apply to anyone i know for a while... this is the person that you are getting to know, the one you hanged out a few times with, but you don't know who they slept with or what their parents/siblings look like.

and i bring this subject up today... because there is this girl at work i've been hanging with a few times, i totally think she is cool, except today she dissed me (or i assumed she did) and now i don't even want to bother saying good morning to her anymore.

so here is my question.

at what point do you give a shit to clarify misunderstandings? and when will i become less self centered. i mean, she could have been sleepless for the last 24 hours, extremely stressed out or was in the middle of being in deep shit.

but little do i give a shit, because all i care about is making sure i get the smile back.
F U TOO BITCH!!!


oh dear...(saying it like piglet)



isn't that disgustingly selfish?!


and isn't it oh so human?



i've fallen in the pits, haven't i.


it's so hard to make new friends after you turn 25, seriously.

ニックネーム

結構色んな友達とかに付けるかも。

後は、好きな人が職場で出来る時とか？


取りあえず、最近、自分の部署でキューンする人ができました。
しかも、ニックネームは

「シャドウ・ザ・ウィスキー」

（笑）


ちなみに結構前に好きだった人は

「サイボーグ○○号」


なので、今日は私が勝手にイケテルって思うニックネームの紹介をします：

①バンブープリンセス
②バーゲン
③トトロ
④虎パン
⑤ガヤヤ
⑥にゃん吉
⑦くさい
⑧プリケツ
⑨おねがいちゃん
⑩犬

等です。
彼らはモチロン私が影でこんなフザケタニックネームをつくってる事もしらない（バーゲン以外）。


そー言えば。
ふと考える事があるんだけど。

A「ねぇ、○○ちゃんって知ってる？」
B「んーー誰だっけ？」
A「ほら、髪の毛がすっごいクリンクリンでさ、声がハスキーで背が超高いこ！！」

はい。そこで、最後の文章なのですが。


人は自分の事をどうやって説明するのだろう？って思った事ありません？？


と、まぁ、考える時があるんですがね・・・

In Japan....

自分の個性がドンドン消えてゆく・・・って思うかも。

やっぱり、日本の社会のスタンダードに抵抗しても自分が辛いだけなのね。
どうりでeveryone is SO THE SAME. だって、who would want to be an outcast.

今の会社は紹介して貰って初めて面接を受ける事ができるような会社なんですけど。
その紹介してくれた人を「まま」って呼んでます。

そして、その「まま」は人の悪口ばっかり言うKさんと同期なんだ。

ままとKさんがお昼にいったっぽくって、Kさんがままに私の悪口こぼしたらしい。
んでーー、なんかままが私にそれを言ってきて。


思ったんだ。
もう、これ以上Kさんには何も言われたくないし、言われるような事は一切しちゃだめだって。
じゃないとままをdisappointしちゃうから。


これからはflawlessな敬語で話して、謹んで、謙虚になって・・・



あぁ、疲れそう。


it's not that i want to be something different, it's just that people want me to be this or that.
to what extent do i have to modify myself without feeling too choked?


i really need to study my japanese more. このままじゃ中途半端すぎだよ。

My boss.

lately, i've been doing a lot of secretary work for my boss.
i mean, he is such an amaenbo- and chotto reminds me of a baby.
demo kawaiku nai kara soko ga uzai.

de.

because it was busy for the last few days, i guess he felt bad
that he was making me do all this shit for him.

so he goes.

hey akane, i'm going out to dinner in yutenji...(my station is
one stop away from it) so..

(expecting him to ask me if i wanted to join him）

..would you like to ride in the cab with me since it's close
to your station?


.............

以上？！？！

はぁ？？？


っていうかさ。

そこまで聞くなら飯誘ってよーーーー！！！！！！！！！！！！！


なーんか表紙抜け。

そして、今一愛情を頂けない私でした。



はぁ～・・・

今さら？！

OMFG.
i've never been the one to be obsessed with boy bands...
or the type to join fan clubs, become a groupie, etc. etc. but something down right went wrong... because i am TOTALLY into motherfkn SMAP from about a month ago.



and the major objection at this point is...
NOW???

yea.. i know right? it's not like 10 years ago, it's like now.
and i don't know what the hell i am doing, but how could you possibly not like this face??



ADORABLE!!!!

i feel like a school girl with a huge crush on a boy band figure, i feel like those japanese johnny's junior lovers, and most of all, pathetic.

isn't it great???

:)

who am i?

it'll be two fucking years (already?!?!) in november.
yezzir, marks my second year being back in tokyo.....
but to be frank. i don'know if i'll ever fit in japan's
society. mainly because i am hella not accepted-- which
is completely fine but at times, extremely irritable,
mainly because originality and the ugly duckling is
almost the same.

laaaady coworkers. mannn, why do they give me such a
hard time. talking mad shit about me in the nicest way
possible. you know that you lost the game if you heat up.
so i laugh, while i want to take the nearest bottle and
smash it on their face. or on my own head. who can really
tell the difference anyway?

so i am a bit tired.
of this japanese society bullshit.
because i am not that one way. and i know i'll never be.
but it's not like i am american either.

so what the hell am i?




i'm asij, huh.



that's dope!!!



to end the night, i'll tell you about my nightmare i had.
chucky. from child's play? he was out to get me yeeesssir.
waiting cunningly inbetween my pillow and sheets. i sense
him so i yell, GOOD NIGHT outloud and turn off one of the
lights and stay at the corner of my room. minutes pass,
and i spot his blue eyes from the tiny space between my
bed sheets.

holy shit, i was about to piss in my pants.




muah.

ゴッキー

暑い～って思いながらおうちに着きました。
汗がタラタラだったのでちょっとシャワーで足と腕を洗って気分はさっぱり。

階段上がって部屋で私を待っていたのは・・・
夏でおなじみの。

ゴッキーではありませんか。

ひぃぃぃぃぃいいい。

心臓が、口から出る程驚いた。
私はすっごいゴッキーが無理なのね。

それで家中駆け巡ってスプレーを探して抹殺しようと部屋はスプレーだらけ。
（ケホケホ）
でも・・・

何故か。

やつは死ななくって。


あれれ？？？


って思ってスプレー見てみれば「蚊・ハエ」用ではないじゃないですか！！！！


そして。ゴッキーはベッドの下へと逃げてき。
私は。


引越しを考えました。


そしてぶち切れながらも母に電話をしてスプレーの事で何故ゴキブリ用がないかに関して
めちゃくちゃ逆切れをした後、大好きな部屋に入れない事に関してちょっと泣いてみたり。


最終的にはリビングで母か父の帰りをまって。
そして。


死骸をわざわざ探してもらい。
手伝いもせず。
ただ立っていた自分がいました。




絶対に一生独り者は無理だと思ったなぁ。
だって、どうする？やつの親戚が復讐にきた時、私一人だったら？


やばいでしょ？


ふぅ。


催眠術とかでこの恐怖症治らないものだろうか・・・

凹むがJINSEI

最近は結構凹む事が重なってて。
なんかいつも「前向きに生きなきゃ」って思っていても
たまにそんな考え方にも疲れたりして。

そして。
「自分」はこうなんだ！！って思っていても、相手は
そう思ってくれてなかったり？

でもなんか。
生まれてきた親とか家は私が選ぶ事じゃないし批判する
必要もないじゃない？だから私が今しなくてはいけない
事は自分の事をまず、自分が受け入れなきゃって事かな。

そして。第三者にあんまり影響されず、強い人間になって
いかなきゃーおぉ、いぇーーー！！・・・、ね？

取り合えず人付き合いってすっごい疲れるけど。
頑張りたいと思っております！

リチャードホール 「キル・ビル」

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your prom dress

i let a lot of shit slide,
but this is pretty whack. it's like my worst nightmare coming true:





ladies, it's time to rock the "IT."

it's rainy

あれれ？
土曜日はあんなにステキな天気だったのに、又雨なんですけど。
あぁ、なんか今年の春はすっごい気分やちゃんだなぁ。しかもちょっと、ちょっと、ちょっと！！
５月があと少しで終わってしまうんだけど。って事は・・・

*半年たつ。（皆さん新年の宣言はいかがお守りですか？）
*今の会社に来て一年立ってしまう。（なにも成立してない。）
*水着きる季節になるけど全然そんな余裕の体じゃない。

はぁーどうしようかね？
最近は時間が立つのが早く感じる日々です。そして、心はいつまでたっても子供なんだけど。
体とか表情が明らかに大人（と言うかおばびん）になってきてるかな。

そして。

ふと思ったんだけどさ。


出会いとかって沢山あるけど別れも沢山あってさ。
正直その中で自分がずっと仲良くしたい人たちも時間と共に限られてきて。
最終的には関係を「捨てる」のってすっごく簡単になってきちゃってる。

だってさ。高校時代とかって毎日友達と会わなきゃだし。
でも大人になって「会いたいから遊ぶ」ってなると。本当に本当に自分が好きだと思わないと一緒に居たくもないし。少しでもいやになると顔も見たくないし。

なんかさ。過去を共にしたからっていう言い分ももう効かなくなっちゃってる。
悲しいけどこれが普通なんだね。




明日は晴れるかね・・・？

COLA GOES GOLD!

zero calories!
zero sugar!
zero carbs!
zero fat!
zero caffeine...

zero EVERYTHING! what the hell are you made out of?

怒り！

うわぁ、先週はすっごい疲れた一週間でした。
えーまず。日本語学校は決定しました。これから勉強に行けるって思うと希望が沸いてきますね。


思ったよ。
学校とかに通う行為じゃなくって何かの目的やゴールを達成したい気持ちが人間には大事なのね。
とくに人生歩む道を今悩んでいる時には。


自分のレベルを上げるには何かの行動に移る。んー、これが大事なんだね。


取り合えず、水曜日から授業受けてくる！
そして、宿題も貰ってくる。学校とかすっげー大嫌いなのに今回はありがたや。
しかも。勉強しなきゃだから遊ぶ量も減るし。

最近は飲むと酒に飲まれ、吐いちゃってるのが多くて。（ストレス？）
だからちょっと体を大事にしたいな。

ちなみに。
先週は新しく入ってきた会社の子と大喧嘩してげっそり。
もう、やつのバカバカバカ！！！

きー！！！

そして。

昨日も。

お邪魔したお家で料理していても包丁が切れなかったり、食器が全然そろってなかったり。
そこでも、

きーーー！！！！


あぁ、神よ。


どうかこの週はステキにしてください。
真面目でいい子でいるから。



お願いちゅ。
（おちゃれけすぎて天罰きそうじゃね？）

let's japanese II

after spending hours, days, weeks...
i've decided to pick myself up and work on what i can, today.
so for starters, i've decided to devote some hours in studying japanese.

a class in shibuya, once a week.
sounds like its going to be fun? but more than anything, it's just a hopeful jist that will make me feel like i am doing something to shift from one stage to another-- for better or for worse. who really knows, but like mom says. doryoku ga subete.

nanika wo yarukotode sukuwareu toki tte kekkou aru yo ne.

fuuuu---★


demo toriaezu. haru dashi. sakura mo miretakara!!!! narubeku jinsei egao de ikitai to omoimasu!

frustration

pissed at the fact that i can't offer anything when i want to give the world,
at the fact that everything i learned through school didn't help with the career i have today,
the fact that elites look down on my family and i,
and assume my potential,
when i feel like this isn't it just yet.

annoyed at the fact that its a given.
a given that if you want to achieve to another level you have to give what it takes.
effort,
effort...
effort!

how endless could it be.

tired of feeling hopeless of myself.
of beating myself up for something i am not.

exhausted of people, family, friends and lovers.


motivated more than ever. clenching teeth till it bleeds.

やっぱり

恋愛とかめんどくさい。


どうしよう？！

バレンタイン

が終わっても。

最近沢山恋してます。

幸せやね~

魔法ですよ、本当に。しかも。女子って。
恋すると、なーんかかわいくなるってよく聞く！

だから。
ちょっと遅いけど、初めて今青春している感じで
にやけちゃおーっと。

うふふ。

はい、きもいね～

レッツ・ジャパニーズ

なんだかねぇ～
帰国してもう1年がアッと言う間に過ぎてしまったよーー >_<
ぎゃ！

それなのに、匹敵するほどの成果も生めず。
今後の事が心配なんだけど。。。

最近思ったんだ。

人生の見方って自分自身で把握するもんだって。
自分が毎日、辛い。苦しい。とかって考えるのも、毎日幸せで
楽しく暮らすのも。全部自分の見方次第じゃない？

だからね。
今日を笑って暮らそう。
今日できる事をしよう。って。

まるで計画性ゼロ人間なんだけど。この考え方を持つように
なってすっごい楽になったんだ。

やっぱ、マイナスの人生は歩みたくない。

頑張らなきゃね。

ちなみに、最近日本語を習おうと思ってできるかぎり新聞とか
読んだりしてるんだ。だけど、読み方わかんにゃい。

あら？？

そして。ノートには分からない漢字を書いて次の日読み直そう
とすると、全部忘れてる。

こんなダラケきった人生に乾杯！

わーーーい☆

（ぶっ壊れてます。）

snow!!!

last night around 11 pm!!!
ahhhh it finally snowed in tokyo! hisashiburi no yuki deshita!!!

mannn i remember back in hs when it would snow and school would get cancelled. it was the bestest-estest feeling in the world.

didnt stick too hard though, just enough to make a tiny snowman, etc. at the roof of our workplace.




how i miss snowboarding...!!!!!!! (and being good at it!!!)

my wanko chan

jiro-chan wearing an elizabeth collar. LOL. isnt that collar name fucking hilarious? anyway yesterday morning my beloved dog Jiro passed. 12 years! not so bad for a dalmation eh? he even said a few `ruff-ruffs` in the morning, i think he was telling the family he was peacing out?? so i just wanted to quickly dedicate a post for him.

hontouni, hontouni asobi gokoro ga takusan aru inu de saigo no saigo made baka deshita. how many times did he eat the pillows we gave him, i dont even fucking now. and how many times did he escape to komazawa park and harass other people, i dont even want to remember. or sneak in the kitchen and eat all the cookies (and the plastic wrappers) or finish an entire bag of dog food and ended up looking like a mommy dog ready to give birth to 30 puppies? sigh. or bark at me when i would come home, not recognizing that i live there too?!

but. it was cool that he actually smiled when he was happy, and it was funny how he could extinguish a burning cigarette, or bark at strangers/roamers in the night time, and was bilingual with both english and japanese.

so i owe a thank you to my jiro chan. for brining the family together in terms of being responsible.. and i hope he goes to those dog heavens where they can drink beeh and hoot at pretty poodle girl dogs. etc. etc.

yey <3

i actually understand how to deal with japanese men now!!!!!
FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

which is completely different from whether or not i am fond of this... species? meh. anyway...

BONES (that show on FOX or FX eh) and other scientific studies have continuously reminded me that the eyes literally sparkle due to dialation when you have a crush on someone. so my question is. how come boys are so dull on everything possible on this universe except scense when girls like them? or should i use the term men and women.

i don't know.

anyway going for a 妻子 is out of the QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

high five motherfuckers.

by the way, i found out that some people have been talking mad shit about what is true and what isnt true about him and her, etc. shouldn't an individual confirm whether or not something is literally true if they are so certain about their talking shit 'subject'. because homie, you are this close from being dillusional.

with love.